Words from a Penguin Ruler

My sanctuary

2011-07-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting under the heat-lamps in the glassed room outside my cousin’s house. It’s getting dark, but the sky is still blue so you can just make out the line of trees behind the lake. There are mosquitos buzzing around me, so I have to stop the writing to wave them off from time to time. I am slightly allergic to the bites, you see, so one on my wrist can make the whole itchy for a week.
The whole family is gathered around me, laughing and playing UNO, all while eating the cake I threw together because I had some raspberry-frosting over from the cupcakes I made yesterday.
There is a sense of calm in the chaos. While the youngest of us, my cousin and brother, are taking UNO very seriously, my mom and aunt are mostly laughing and enjoying themselves. The older cousin, feeling very adult at the age of seventeen, is sitting with his two friends at the end of the table, they too munching away on the cake. It’s calm. And loud.
I haven’t been back here for a while, out in the forest with my family. School came in the way, as it has been doing for everything the last year or so. Coming here always makes me feel at home, though I have never spent more than a few weeks here a year. It is so very nice and calm here. We are, in my opinion, in the middle of nowhere. The closest city, which is not a city I have been told, but a community, can be walked through in nothing more than a song or two and everything is surrounded by trees and more trees.
I was just interrupted by my brother proudly exclaiming that he has been cheating for some time now. Oh, what a little mongrel. Back to the story.
Since I live in the big city, coming here is always such a change. We went to the cinema last week and we had to drive for 45 minutes. It barely takes 45 minutes door to door back home. It is very nice to be so isolated though. I have internet, which keeps me sane, and I have my books, which keep me happy. It is, in my mind, the perfect holiday after a year of crying over IB and then two months of hard work. It is, in fact, exactly what I need.
The game goes on. The cousin and his friends have joined, blending into the group as everybody seems to be doing in such close-knit communities on the country. They’re laughing and teasing each other almost to the limit (the girl did storm out in an outrage concerning her snoring at one point) but the warmth remains, and it’s not all from the lamps.
As I sit here with my computer in front of me, typing away, I feel like I am nothing but an observer, like I am not apart of the group. Of course, I could jump right with with just a few words or a smile, but I feel more comfortable this way. Outside. On my own. Observing people in their right element. I think that might be both the writer and the photographer in me: Always wanting to see, without getting involved. It can also come from years of being to afraid to leave the background, and of not really being allowed.
I do like it here though. Behind the shield of my computer. It is a very nice, and safe, place to be.
Just like with this place in the forest. It’s outside the real world, outside reality. It is a safe place in a world where you are expected to achieve every single second of the day. Where there are plans and commitments. I miss the big city at times, just as I miss being involved with reality at times, but it is very nice sitting here. Outside the group, outside the world, and just breathe.
Just breathe.

#YAsaves.

2011-06-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

If you live on the internet, as so many of us do, it is very likely that you have read the article from the Wall Street Journal that has been circulating the past few days. If you have not heard about it, the article in question was about Young Adult fiction and how it is 'depraving' and "hideously distorted portrayals of what life is." If you did read the article (or did so after reading this) you probably understand that it is wrong on so many levels, but it's not really what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about the part YA played in my life, and how the 'dark and depraved' literature is in fact so much more. So many wonderful and beautiful things have already been said but I thought I would offer my two cents to this whole discussion.
Warning for personal thoughts and whatnot. This affected me on a pretty personal level, and I'm going to express many thoughts I don't think I have really told anyone.

I was pretty shy and awkward when I was younger. As I became a teenager, I was actually pretty deep in social phobia to be honest, though I do not like to admit it. I had trouble making friends because I did not, and I really mean not, like to talk to people. I avoided it at any cost. It could do go days when I barely even said a word in school, even though I was rarely all alone. I was quiet, not because I did not have anything to say, but because I simply didn't dare. I convinced myself I preferred being alone. It was fine that I rarely did anything with friends. It was okay listening to them talking about matters I cared about, but didn't dare voice my opinion. So I told myself.
This whole social incompetence came both from shyness, but also from the belief that I was different. It had a lot to do with my hand, something I've talked a lot about on this blog before, so I shall not bring it up again. Basically, I was pretty sad and hid within myself.

But when I went home, when I was all alone, a bit sad, I read. I read everything I could get my hands on. My mom has always loved to read, so I never had any problems finding more books to read. I did not just read YA fiction, I read novels meant for adults as well. I read Joyce Carol Oates, Stephen King, Neil Gaiman and Diana Gabaldon. I read Meg Cabot and Maureen Johnson, J.K Rowling and Terry Brooks. I read because reading made me happy. I read because when I was completely engrossed in a novel, I could forget about how sad I was. I could forget about how bad it felt when people made plans in front of me, but did not include me. I could forget about how the girl who had been my best friend for years, suddenly ignored me because in her eyes I wasn't 'cool enough'. I could forget about my own sadness.

I read so much, and every novel I read introduced me to another, and that one to another. Reading broadened my mind in so many eyes. I learnt about other cultures, became interested in other languages, and most importantly, it made me look at the world differently. Then, I was introduced to Nerdfighteria and my whole life changed. I found that I could make friends by just being me. I became apart of a youtube channel where we discussed novels. Not that much discussing was actually done, but I opened up and grew. I read John Green's novels, books that are dark and wonderful in their own special way. I found that YA literature was much larger and so much more beautiful than I had previously thought.

I have read dark novels. I have read stories about people on top of the world, and those who are being crushed under it. Has it changed me? Has it defined me as a person? Oh yes. So much. Do I regret it?

Not for one second.

Literature, especially YA literature which is so easy to identify with, made me who I am today, dark and cute stuff alike and I would not go back to that scared little girl, no matter what.

Whenever people say that literature hurts, I just want to punch someone. As Maureen Johnson was tweeting at the most, someone sent her this picture. I just want those book banners and the 'upset moms' to look at this picture and realize what it stands for.
Literature helps us all grow in every direction.

My favorite part of this though, was the tweet someone went Maureen received. It was from Euranna317 and it said "What I love about that pic is that if the kid can show enough others what he's seen, eventually they'll pull down that wall."

I would like to think that if enough people of our generation read, we might not build the same wall for future generations.

To be reading has defined my (albeit short) life, but it doesn't end there. While reading helped for the moment, I also found something that will help in the future. By going through author after author, I found something so important. I found a passion. I began writing. And then I didn't stop. Writing is now so important to me, I don't know what I would do if I was not constantly thinking about it. It is what I want to do for the rest of my life, no matter if I make a living our of it or not. What genre would I like to write in, you may ask, and, shocker here, I want to write young adult fiction.

Without literature and the world it introduced me to, I do not know how I had survived high school. I might not have been here. Without literature, I would not know what to study at university. I don't even know if I would have wanted to continue studying.

Literature, especially YA fiction, saved me, like it saved so many, from falling into despair. I owe every single author found in my room, so much. I would not trade a single read for for anything.

Blood, sweat and tears, it's finally over.

2011-05-29T02:49:00.000-07:00

As many of you know (or as two of you know, depending on how many people actually read this blog) I finished the IB program ten days ago. On Wednesday I will graduate for real, and my time as an IB diploma student will be over.
It is truly strange to sit down in front of the computer when I get home and not study. The pressure to study these last six months has really gotten to me, I think it has gotten to all of us. Sleep is probably what has been affected the most. I know that "we can sleep after IB" had become a regular expression among us as the exams got closer. Now that it is all over, and has been over for several days, there is still that anxiety attacking me when I go to bed and realize I have not studied for tomorrow.
I have been in school full-time for twelve years. Thirteen if you count the "six-year school" but honestly, all we did was play with plastic dinosaurs, sang songs and re-enacted the Lion King in the pillow room, so perhaps it should be counted among the kindergarten years instead.
But twelve years. I admit the first few were not always about studying, but it was still school. You had to get up early in the morning, go away to an institution you definitely loathed certain days and you have to learn. Oh the learning. Now I cherish every new piece of information about the world, but at ten? I couldn't care less about what happened if you divided 33. (to be honest, math has never been that high up on the priority list. Though I have gotten quite better at division since then.) I always liked the books though. The getting lost in other worlds. The cozying down under the covers on a rainy (or sunny) day and just read.
I always did like learning to a certain extent (IB has forever ruined that expression for me.) I ~~was~~ is somewhat of a know-it-all, so I loved arguing with people. And I was always right. Always. Never wrong. Always right.
I am going off to University of course. If things go my way, I will be sitting in Scotland next September, reading a book of my literature list and enjoying the finer things in life. And by finer, I mean IB all over again. Only worse. But before all of this, I am taking a year off. I think it's good to take a year off, especially after IB. It's so different from the Swedish system in thinking and in tempo. When all my friends complained about only have a week to write a paper, I was at home trying to write the one we had been given today. Due tomorrow. It was fun though, I won't deny it. I have met some wonderful people I know I will continue to be friends with for a long while and I've learnt a lot. Not just about history or maths, but about my own strengths and weaknesses. Though so very cliched, I have climbed out of the shell I was in, and now I can actually talk to strangers. Who would have thought that could be possible.
It is just so strange, that after three years of hard-core studying, I will do nothing for a whole year. I will be working of course, but there will be no essays to write. To seminars to get ready for. No tests to study for, no syllabuses to read and definitely no CAS hours to complete. I'll be free.
After a life that has been defined by school for twelve years, I will be able to pick up a good book of my own choosing (no more Prep in my house) and just read. I will be able to make plans without the constant "oh, I have to study!"I will be able to sleep for a whole night.
There you have it. My end of school post. I don't really know how I feel about it. Of course it is not really the end, as uni is just over a year away, but it's the end here. I will most likely never study in Sweden again.

I'm Sarah and I am done.

Morning ramble.

2011-03-24T00:09:00.000-07:00

Well, hello. Look who is here.

I am writing this post because I am bored, not ready to do homework before school and there is a man ripping up our kitchen floor. I don't really want to go downstairs. Stuff keeps crashing...

Anywho, I am stressed and tired (and I probably SHOULD study before I leave for school) yet I have not yet reached the panic state I should be in. I guess that will kick in after the weekend when I am down to five days before my Visual Arts exhibition. Oh my.

That was all for me I think, I am now going to get dressed and avoid the wrecker of floors before running out of the house. A ride to school is amazing, and guess what? Sweden has some sun today.

Just a little something.

2010-09-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

And what a failure BEDA was for me. Such a gigantic failure. But no more of that.

Instead I would like to talk about two things; the first one being Scandinavians in your pants, which is a Youtube channel I used to be a part of. Now it's time for a new generation to take our place, but so far we have only found three girls. Tuesday and Thursday our still available, and if you live in Scandinavia and is interested, or know someone who is interested, please contact the channel. Having a full week would be nice.

The second thing I wanted to mention is a website called the Nerfighter Gazette. It's an online magazine my good friend Bekah started, and lately not much has happened. If you want to bee a writer all you need to do is to go here, (Also known as the "Write for NFG"-button) and sign up! It's really easy. And if you wish to recommend the website via twitter, please send me or Bekah a little notice, so we can thank you.

That was all. I am going to go back to being very lazy now.

Blog Everyday in August #8 - I am in Norway

2010-08-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

The reason I didn't blog yesterday was because I went to Norway. Now, you might say: "But didn't you have time to write even a short little post?"

The answer is no. I didn't even unpack my computer.

But I am now going to tell you what I did yesterday and how much fun it waaas.

First I got up way too early. This might have had something to do with the fact that I was up all night talking to friends. Might be connected..

But 6.30 is early in my mind. I managed to leave my bed with sheer willpower, and then I went to the train station.

I was really surprised that so many people were out and about. Yes, it was 7.30, but it was a Saturday.. I assumed people would be in bed just like I wanted to be. Obviously I was wrong

Then came the six hour train ride.

Normally I like riding the train, and I usually relax quite a lot. But I was sitting next to the most annoying man in the history of the world. He was constantly talking to his daughter and wife who were sitting on the seat in front of us. Then, of course, he managed to splash me with his bubbly water.

I was not amused.

A woman sitting on the other side of the aisle asked me if I could help her off with her bag, since she had her dog to take care of as well. I assumed this meant that I would just carry it down the stairs tat we were sitting right next to. Then just as the train was stopping, a voice over the speaker tells us that the platform is really short, and that we can only get off on the first two wagons.

We were sitting in the other end of the train.

So I had to run through the entire train with her bag, which was really really heavy. And when I did manage to get her bag off the train, I had to go back to my seat. On my way back there my skirt got caught in a broken chair and it's not completely ruined.

Worst train trip ever.

But then I actually got to Oslo, and then everything got better. We left my heavy bag in a locker and then walked around in the city. Before this though, we walked to the top of the opera building which is absolutely gorgeous.

We met up with Ingvild's friend, who was also called Ingvild, and then walked up to Litteraturhuset where the Harry and the potters show was.

And the show was awesome. It really was. The brothers might not be the best singers, but they put on an amazing show. They're so lively!

We then went to eat, caught a bus back to Ingvild's house, and talked forever and then we fell asleep.

This post has no grammar. I no longer care. AWESOME.

If we can we'll see Kristin today, and... yes. Bye.

The Thought of the Day: I am sleepy. This is all. Also, Swedish is weird.

Blog Everyday in August #6 - A short and hurried update.

2010-08-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot to blog!

I am leaving for Oslo in, oh, 8 hours and 38 minutes, so I have been doing absolutely nothing of worth today. No, that's not true, I did the dishes. Can I get a good daughter score for that? A golden star?

The only things I have left to pack are my books, but they shouldn't be too hard to collect.

As a little update of the day: I am very jealous of the people at Summer in the City. I had a blast last year, though it might have been mostly because of Shannon and Lucy. I will be seeing Lucy on my London trip, many woohoo's for that.

I also went shopping, and buying pants sucks since I am still overweight. But I did buy some and they do look pretty, so I am going to stop complaining, and continue with my excercise when I get back from Norway.

I did buy a bra with is AWESOME. It actually fits, and that is something I've had a big problem with. Big is the keyword here. It has the unfortunate color bright pink, but it fits so well, and is also quite comfortable, so I have decided not to care.

It was also very cheap.

Now I am going to try to sleep before the train. I have to get up in little over six hours, which is no fun, but I am guessing Ingvild will make up for it.

The Things of the Day: I AM GOING TO OSLO TOMORROW. I'm excited. I will also go see Harry and the potters with Ingvild, but I am much more excited about seeing her.

Blog Everyday in August #5 - Some thoughts on writing.

2010-08-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know how I am going to keep up with posting a blog every day this month. Especially since I seem to be writing these post way after midnight. I guess I can't continue with that when school starts (19 days, but who is counting?) but I am just too wired to write during the day. This might also be why I still haven't finished my novel.

Of course it might have something to do with the fact that I have my narrator and her boyfriend in a cellar with a crazy murderer and a whole lot of blood.

But no biggie.

Maybe that is the topic of today's (tonight's) post. WRITING.

Also known as "Why the hell haven't you finished your novel yet, you idiot?" You choose.

I love writing. I still can't really define why, for I just start blabbering about creating new worlds and giving birth to characters, but that is really it. I have a vivid imagination, and I'm always making something up. Even though I haven't written much lately, there is a constant flow of stories in my head. I have so much I want to write down, but due to a current decrease in confidence when it comes to my "talent" I just haven't.

This is truly one of my biggest problems: I keep doubting myself.

These stories, they're so vidid in my mind, so alive. When I put them down to paper (or in this case hard-drive) it seems so lacking. I can't portray my heroines fears without making her sounds like a fluffy lady, or I can't properly describe the scenes to make them as impressing as they are when I imagine them.

I guess it just takes much training. But training takes time and I won't have that when school starts this year.

But sometimes I am on a flow. Those who know how it is to be on a flow... Oh, dear. The words just pour out of your hands and somehow, like magic, align on paper the way you want them to. The characters have chemistry, the scenes are amazing and the plot, oh the plot, is without holes.

It's truly marvelous. And then you get stuck again.

I suppose that is one of the most wonderful things though. Sitting down by the computer after a long dry-spell and finding that you suddenly have inspiration. Oh, I love it.

My novel though, it has reached a stop.

I started it during NaNoWriMo 2009, and when November was over, I simply didn't have time to look at it for months. When I well did, I realized it was nowhere near completion and began writing like crazy. Now, nine months later, I'm at 80 thousand words and I hate about 70 thousand of them.

It is too silly.

But I shall, in the few days between my Oslo trip and London trip, try to look at it, and maybe, if possible, get my characters out of the hole alive.

To be honest though, right now I just feel like killing them all.

The Thing of the Day: I definitely just made chocolate balls with pear-sugar and caramel sprinkles.

Blog Everyday in August #4 - I love libraries.

2010-08-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is, but whenever I step into a library I feel excited. It might be because it is filled with so much wonder and amazement. So many worlds, and characters and rooms and events. I just feel at home.

Every single book is like a window to a different world, and we've all felt like escaping one time or another, haven't we?

Recently I complained about having to pay for reserving books at my local library. The ones I have outside of stockholm is a branch os different ones, so you can easily ask them to send it to the one nearest you. But last year they started charging for this, and my library reserving went way down.

But a few days ago, after complaining, I realized what an idiot I was.

Libraries do amazing things. They offer the chance of reading to people who might not afford it otherwise. Personally, I think that is one of the best things you can do in today's society when children spend most of their time playing video-games. (This is something I too enjoy a great deal, but reading is important.)

So, after thinking this through, and counting the amount of books I have borrowed from libraries during my short time here on earth, 10 SEK per reserved book is worth it. I don't mind giving money to the library. In fact, I wouldn't even mind just giving them some money once in a while. They're doing a great job.

If only they would expand the English section a little bit, and I might move in there.

The Thing of the Day: The books I got from the Library this time was 'From a Buick 8' by Stephen King (A re-read because I loved it, and it was a while ago since I read it), 'Rebel Angels' by Libba Bray (because I rather liked the first novel and should finish the series before school starts) and 'Wicked Lovely" by Melissa Marr (I usually don't pick up books by people I have never heard of, nor ben recommended to read, but this looked quite nice.)

Blog Everyday in August #3 - A bit about school

2010-08-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

Here we go, it's just the third of August, and I have already missed a day. I apologize, and if I feel like it I'll make it up to you by blogging in September, but we'll see how much I have to deal with in school. IB doesn't really give you time to rest on the last year. At all.

Is it strange that I look forward to starting school again? I think it's the fact that it is actually my last year, that makes it so exciting. I'll be graduating next year. Graduating. I'm turning 18 in just a few weeks. I'm flabbergasted. But that isn't actually what I was going to talk about.

I'm now about to start my last year of IB. Since we in Sweden have a very different school system for the ones IB is based on, we got an extra. This is also because Swedish "gymnasium" is three years, and the B diploma programme is only two. But it is also very good, because Ib has a very high tempo and demands a lot from its students. It means that you can decide to leave the school, and star another program that suits you better.
Frankly, I just like to complain about doing three years of IB.

But I do miss it. Sure, this is the last and most demanding year, but I think if I just put more effort in it, it will go quite well. Sure, we have a lot of stuff to do, things I haven't actually started yet, but I like it. I really do. I like learning in general. Just finding things out, things I never though I would know.

Take history, for example. I love history, for it explains how the world looks today. It's so important to look back, to understand, and to refrain from repeating some things. Looking at old alliances and enemies, gives you a take on why the world looks the way it does today. And I think it is simply fascinating.

Then Biology. I never thought I'd know the things I do, never. But it is, for lack of words, awesome.

The fact that I now have amazing friends isn't all that bad either.

As a matter of fact, it's quite a difference from how it used to be. I didn't really have that many friends two years ago. The people I went to school with, I knew, and I spent time with them IN school, but we weren't friends. We didn't invite each other out after school.

Now it's different. And as someone who has gone through the experiment of having no friends, they do mean a lot to me.

As crazy as they are.

So, yes, school. Only 21 days left, and I still have time for two trips before it starts. First I'll be off to Oslo, to see a friend. We'll be going to the Harry and the Potter show as well. Be sure to check my channel, for Ingvild and I will be crazy and making videos.

Then, on the 16th, I'll be going to London again, and I am looking forward to seeing lovely Lucy again.

I think that was it for now. I promised Ingvild to vlog today, and I shall, as soon as the sun goes up anyway. If you're interested, it will be upload here.

Random thing of the day: I just made way too many pancakes, and I have to say... I am becoming quite an excellent pancake cook.

Blog everyday August #1 - Nothing to say

2010-08-01T15:02:00.000-07:00

So, my first post here in August didn't really turn out the way I wanted it to. First of all... It's no longer the first here in Sweden. Second of all.. I honestly don't have anything to say. This, of course, is so easily fixed.

Blogspot doesn't even acknowledge that I am living in Sweden, and will be posting this on the first. Technically. I like technically. So, hello past. It's nice to meet you. Again.

Second, I always say I have nothing to write about then and then thousand words later I've bored you to death. It's quite fascinating really, this habit of mine. And something I must work on.

So, I am here writing again, so soon after my last post, because of Becky. She said she was doing Blog Everyday August, and I kind of wanted to join in. And here I am. Writing. Blabbing away. Type, type, type.
This is going to be an excellent month.

I honestly don't have anything important to mention, so I am simply going to tell you random things. Like for example, today my friend virtually yelled at me (again) for not having seen The Dark Knight. As I am both a movie nerd and a comics nerd, this astonishes me as well. Also, Heath Ledger? As the Joker? One of my favorite villains ever? Yes. I am amazed.
But this means I need to go into the city and get myself a dvd.

This, is annoying.

Mostly I think it's because I won't actually get there. If I don't HAVE to be anywhere, it is not very likely that I will actually get dressed. When I'm home alone and free, I basically only go outside to walk the dog. Walking the dog clothes, are not actually proper out in public clothes.
Not at all.

Of course, I have to now. Otherwise she'll yell at me for real when I see her.
That was all for this first post. Told you I didn't have anything to say.

London countdown: 14 days.

A post about my hand.

2010-07-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

"But it's hard to miss them, right?" Usually people ask, but you didn't. Still, I figured you were probably wondering. You'd be surprised how many people just walk right up and ask, point-blank, like they're asking what time it is."
"That's rude," I said.
"Mmm-hmm," Monica agreed, stubbing her cigarette out in the windowsill.
Kristy shrugged. "Really, I kind of prefer it. I mean, it's better than just staring and acting like you're not. Kids are the best. They just look right at me and say, "What's wrong with your face?" I like that. Get it out in the open. I mean, shit, it's not like it isn't anyway. That's on reason to why I dress up sp much, you know, because people are already staring. Might as well give them a show. You know?"

This quote is from a novel by Sarah Dessen, an author who recently made it into my top authors list. It is about a girl names Kristy, and her scars from a car-crash she was in as a kid, and how she isn't ashamed of it.
For those who know me, you might understand just how I relate to this. For those who don't know me, here's a clarification.

I was born with a condition, you might call it. A problem, indeed. I am lacking finger on my left hand, as if the production just slowed down and then stopped when the mighty little midgets in my mom's stomach was creating my hand. I have my wrist left, and I don't think I can tell you just how grateful I am for this. During the 18 years of which I have been roaming this planet, I have learnt to do pretty much everything you can do, even if it might be a little different. And as upset, angry and sad, I become, there is always that little voice deep inside wich assures me it could have been worse.

When I was younger mom used to drag me to these dysmelia get-togethers. We'd eat hot-dogs, play brännboll - a game somewhat related to softball and baseball - while our parents sat on blankets discussing things we knew nothing about. Some of these children, all capable happy children, were so much worse off than I was. They'd be missing arms from their elbows, or even from their shoulders. some missed legs, some were in wheelchairs and some were missing both legs and arms.
But we laughed. And I always felt guilt when I cried, because when one considers it, I am lucky.

It wasn't until later years, long after I had given up on these meetings, that we hadn't just been going for my benefit. As a kid, I had no idea how difficult this was for my mom. She has always loved me, always taken care of me, letting me go my own paths. Some parents faced with the problem that having a child with dysmelia might have done things differently than my mom did. They might have hidden me, might have tried to ignore it, or worse, making a show of it. But now my mom. Instead he encouraged me. And I guess I was quite a little dare-devil as a child.

Every decently sized playground used to have these climbing walls. Now when I am older I always look at them, wondering how I could have thought them so tall back then, but as a kid, they're huge. And to me, they were taller than ever. But, my friend climbed, and so did the other children. Who says I can't climb a stupid wall? And I did. I climbed the wall. I climbed pretty much everything that was climbable. Just because I could.

But back to my mom. I am so grateful that she treated me like she did. I have never been ashamed of my hand. Sure, sometimes I look at people's perfect hands and I curse them all. But I am not ashamed. I have never hidden my hand from view because I don't want people to react, and that is all thank to my mom. She made sure I was comfortable with it. And I should be. I mean, this is me. I can't change this. Of course I hate it, I'd give anything to have two proper hands, but I don't spend every single wake moment thinking about it. Just some dark lonely nights.

Now and again we get a letter about a new event, and I always refuse them. But sometimes I think I would like to go, just because I want to talk to the parents of small children, I want to tell them how it is going to be. Because, frankly, it's going to suck. Their child will have days where they can think of nothing else, when they curse the world for being unfair, and when nothing seems bright. There will be times when they think this will ruin their future, when they think no one will hire them, when they think no will love them.
But if they help their child accept this, if they help them achieve things, if they let their children show off their arms or legs, it will not last long. When the nights over, they'll go back to laughing with their friends and climbing those walls. They will.

I chose to write this because the quote just got to me. Especially the kids part. I work in the movie-store at the moment, so there is much interaction with children and they often do just that. "What happened with you hand?".
The first few times it was awkward. Most people don't notice, and I had to talk about it with customers lining up. But after a while, the words just flow out.
There was this one girl once whom I noticed staring. After a while she asked the question, and when I had explained, she turned her big eyes up to meet mine and asked me if it hurt. I assured her that it didn't, and after a few apologetic words from her mom, they were on their way, leaving me to deal with other customers.

But I remembered her, and it does hurt. Not physically, but it hurts. At some times I feel like crying, locking my door, and just pretend that is isn't real. I can't even begin to count the times I have dreamt that my hands was real, only to wake up to reality. And it hurts. God dammit, it hurts so badly, I feel like dying.
But then it doesn't. I don't even think of it at times. My friends forget it. Actually, they forget it so often, I am now convinced that it doesn't define me. I am what I am, hand or no hand.

And I always will be.

So, this was my long, pity post for this time. I don't really know what I was planning to accomplish with it, but maybe I just needed to write it down. Maybe I just needed to let it out.
And too all people out there with disability of some sort: Do Not Despair. You can do amazing things. You can climb your walls. I know I can.

And with only one hand, I was still one of the first people in my class, to learn how to tie my shoes. Beat that.

What IS experience?

2010-06-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

My dream in life is to become a published author. No, technically that's not true, though it does play in. I want someone to read my work not because they love me, and want to see what I have accomplished, but just because they want to. I want them to read it not caring about me.

I want them to read it for the words.

Of course I know this is a very common dream, and one that not many ever live through. But dreams are quite hard to just put out. I'll keep working, even when I hate it so much I feel like just deleting all of it.The reason I am starting like this, is because I have been reading a lot about "experience" lately. About how old one much be to be able to write anything of value. Apparently I am too young for this.

Personally I don't think there is an age-limit for creativity. Some of the things children have told me, things they make up as we are talking, are much better, and much wilder, than what some adults could make up. It's the ones who never lose their childish side that can do the best.But yes. One does have to have experience to write something good.

Children may be thinking of great things, but can they properly describe people? Know how relationships work? What do they know of death, and of life? It's difficult.

I am seventeen years old. I turn eighteen in three months. Have I too little experience of the real world to write a good story? Have I not seen enough? Have I not gone through hell long enough to tell you about it? What do I need?

I've experienced loss. I've gone through dramas, and heartache. Joy and fear. I know what it is like to feel all alone in the whole wide world, and realize that you actually are. I've experienced love, and what it is like to be humiliated. I've woken up day not wanting to rise because I just can't face a day.

I've been bullied, loved and hated. I've cried, laughed and fainted.

How is this not enough experience? How old do I have to be, to be old enough?

Spring

2010-03-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

Dear readers.

For the last months Sweden has been covered in snow. Mountains of white crap that has been moved from the streets are everywhere. Still, even now.
But it's melting now.

Of course, the last time we said that spring was closing on us, it started snowing again, so maybe I shouldn't jinx it.

Now it seems as if we're on the right track, though, so I will do nothing but home.

I have been writing in Swedish these last days. For those who know me, you are aware of the fact that I feel more comfortable when writing in English for some reason. Even though it's not my native language I have found that I prefer to write in it.
But since I decided to enter a short-story competition. I need to write a fantasy story between 5000 and 40,000 characters (without the blanks) and send it to them before March 31st.

I don't know what hopes I have on this story. Everytime I start writing on it, I automatically think of it in English but the concept doesn't work when I switch language. It's rather awful I believe. However, I can't know.

Now I should get back to writing on it, so I have it ready on time.
Sarah

New Theme

2010-03-20T15:46:00.000-07:00

How do you all like my new theme, dear readers? I find it quite suiting.

It's very me.

Sarah

London calling.

2010-02-26T08:22:00.000-08:00

Oh dear readers,

In only HOURS (16.5 hours, if one want to be exact) my friend Ellen and I will be leaving this dreadful country. Right now the weather is simply awful: There's mist, snow, and a very low temperature.
But, in a mere 16.something hours, I shall be on a plane heading for London. Now, I know London isn't very far from here, and to be honest we share some of this weather. But when we have been dealing with temperatures of -25 (Monday Morning) they've have +9.

Going to school that day was not something I wanted to do very much.

So far we haven't planned all too much. One day we will be going to the middle of nowhere to see John Barrowman (yes, I am still fan-girling). Ellen is a bit upset about this fact, but I am going shopping with her, so there we go.

I also managed to slip in a trip to the Who Shop here, but she then countered me with the London Dungeon.... This means I will be scared shitless, but at least I will have my nerdy apparel when doing it.

I'm pretty excited about all this (couldn't you tell?) for as fun as it was the last time, during Sitc, I never really got the change to just stroll around London. This will be a whole lot more museums, theatres and maybe even a signed John Barrowman CD. (Hopefully accompanied by a picture)

Now I am just waiting for Ellen to arrive, she'll be here in an hour or so, and THEN I will wait for the morning. AND THEN, we're off.

I really hope I shall be able to see Lucy again when I am there! I miss her lots, and it would be great to just take a coffee or something, catch up and such.

Also, I must share this webcomic I have been reading non-stop the last couple of days. It's called Questionable Content and it one of the most hilarious and wonderful things I have read in a while. It's very fun to go back to the first one and see how he has evolved, as well read the little snippets of his life by the end of each comic.
I am on 700 now, and have even more left. Better get to it!

Have a wonderful week.

Birthday parties

2010-02-15T13:36:00.000-08:00

Hello dear readers,

My friends and I love birthday parties. We always try to plan a surprise one, though we have done so many now that they are hardly a surprise anymore. If it's your birthday, something will happen.
One of my friends, Amanda, turned 18 yesterday. Yes, her birthday is on the 14th of february, but she doesn't like us to linger on that so let's move on.

She turned 18, and we decided to take her bowling, as well as buy her some... Well, let's call them adult gifts.

We had a great time, even though it was pretty obvious that something was going on. She finished earliest of us all, and still we told her to stay here, no explanation given. She ten waited two hours for the last one to finish school, and then we simple dragged her away.

Not quiet as well done as Sara's birthday party.

Then we contacted her parents, asked them to leave a key so we could get in their house. They were away on a baptism, so we knew we had lots of time. We decorated the living-room with balloon and all that stuff you bring out when there's a party. When we came home we hid behind a counter, and sang Don't Stop Believing in Glee style, as that is the version she loves the best.

It was wonderful.

However, it seems as if all of my friends are turning eighteen and I will be left behind. Saras and Sara are our 93's so I will still have a year on them, but my birthday isn't until september, far after the rest.
But, lucy for me, it's one day BEFORE the election, which means I get to vote!

It's not that I want to go out an party, for as all you readers might have guessed, I am not really a party girl. But I am still left behind. And mesa don't like it.

Sarah

Worldsuck

2010-02-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

I know, dear readers, I am about to hit you with yet another depressing post. But that is what I am here for, and now I have warned you. You are, of course, free to leave and go on with your perfect lives. If not, then be my guest and keep reading.

Sometimes it's the small things in life that makes you cry. I am not saying that the big things don't hurt, for they do. Of course they do, and they can alter your life in ways no one ever thought possible. I am not ignoring the big things. I promise you. But the little things often get pushed out of the way because, hey, you're not suffering as much as the people in Haiti are.
Obviously, I am not.

But what if you feel bad? That won't go away just because you have a bed to sleep in and food on the table. Life is supposed to be so much more than that, and dammit, I want more.
I don't want to wake up and wish I didn't have to face another day. I don't want to go to bed with a headache because I was fighting with my brother again.

I want to be happy, but I am just to damn negative to be that.

I am always the one to tells people to get over it. Be happy. If you try, then you will succeed. And you cannot fail until you have tried. But what about me?
Why do I not follow the advice I keep throwing at others? Why am I allowed to hurt inside when I tell other to simply stop whining.

I am a terrible person, that's why.

It's easier to tell other what to do. It's easier to tell them to get over it because it's not you. It's not I who is crying on the inside, not about that. But I know. I know it hurts.
I know.

So, wat I am trying to say is that life kind of sucks. But we all need to get back up on that bucking horse, and just grab the reins and go. Don't care about the people hurting you, and the tears you need to shed. Don't bother with the idiots and bad days. If you want, you can conquer all that, and you can be happy.
It's just a really long ride.

But you can make it.

I have a sadface today.

2010-01-09T17:07:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about my hand these past couple of weeks, and how much it has stopped me from achieving things in life. It's made me stay on the sidelines instead of leading the pack. It has made me afraid of being who I am pretty sure I could be.

Though I am often held back by it, I think it has made me more of a fighter. I've had to struggle for things in life. For the small things. And the big things.

When I was a kid the playgrounds were all about the big scary climbing wall. You've all seen it. When we look at it now, we laugh and wonder why we ever thought it was so important to reach the top. But it was something we had to fight for. Some of us never got past the first step. Some of us got caught in the middle and some of us reached the top.

Mom used to say that it didn't matter if I reached the top. And to her it didn't. She still loved me. But I think I had to prove to myself, and everybody else, that I could. I could climb that wall, hand or no hand.

And I did. I climbed. And I won.

It was a great accomplishment for me. These days things are harder.

I've always been taught by my parents never to be ashamed of my dysmelia, and that I don't need to hide it. I haven't, but it's still always on my mind and subconsciously, it scares me. I am afraid.

I admit it. Because of this, I have given up things in life. I've been hiding. I've stepped off the ledge when all I should have done was to jump out and hope that my wings will carry me. But I haven't. Maybe I will soon. I've already started to trust and believe in myself more this last couple of years.

But I am only jumping a few feet. Nothing more.

I know my handicap is very simple, and I am lucky. I've got my wrist left, something I have had so much use of. I don't feel lucky most of the time though. I feel angry and sad. This isn't easy, and no one really deserves this.

This is such a depressing post, but I just need to get it out every other month or so. Usually I keep it all inside, until I burst out into a fit of tears.

I guess I just hate it sometimes. I hate it so much

2010, or as I like to call it, 7625.

2010-01-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

To be honest, dear readers, I really don't know why there is such a big excitement about the new year. We're just celebrating a random amount of years.

If you're Christian and think that I am just a big bowl of evil at the moment, even you have to agree with that Jesus was not born 2010 years ago. The count started a long time after he died. So why is this number so great?

What is so special about 2010? It's not as if we celebrate the birth of earth. That happened many, many billions years ago. We're not celebrating the birth if home sapiens.

We are celebrating a random year. If you want to start your own, this might as well be year 52. Or 5691. It's up to you.

What many also fail to remember is that this new year isn't for all. The Chinese for example, their new year starts in february.

So, I have no point with this post. I just don't understand it.

Sarah,

Christmas and #p4a

2009-12-22T11:26:00.000-08:00

To begin with, dear reader, Project for Awesome, was as the name hints, completely and utterly awesome. I didn't sleep more than six hours during those three days but it was worth it, oh so worth it. We managed to get to number one on the trending topics with out lovely hash-tag #p4a and though my internet stopped me from watching, I hear the livestream show was amazing.

Also, for those of you who celebrate it, you might have noticed that Christmas is nearing. As a matter of fact, it's in two days.

Here in Sweden we have the ridiculous tradition to celebrate Christmas on the 24th. I do not know why, for it makes no sense. But I find it tiring to complain about things I will obviously not be able to change, so I do not care.

Actually, I find our traditions here quite nice.

We have our stockings that we keep close by. As a kid I always hung it right beside my bed so I didn't have to leave my bed in order to open it.

Yes. I was a lazy back then.

If you're a kid you spend the morning complaining about how long they have to wait before opening the rest of their presents. If you're an adult, you either cook or you run around trying to keep check of those kids who often OD on candy.

Honestly, the second job is hard.

Then, after finding our family and praying that the night will go past without any mishaps, we all gather around the TV at three o'clock, young and old, to watch Donald Duck. I don't know why we still call it Donald duck when now adays there are many different movies, and not all are connected to Donald.

It's actually the Cricket from Pinocchio who leads the show.

I know this sounds completely crazy, but it's been a tradition for many many years, and we simply must follow it. We can't NOT watch Donald on Christmas.

As a matter of fact, one Christmas the power went off because of a storm, and came back about five minutes after Donald ended. We were all devastated.

We then eat for hours and complain about not opening our presents, and then, finally, some poor soul dressed as Santa comes in and hands out a few presents.

When I was five or six, I found a Santa suit underneath my parents' bed. I was destroyed.

He then leaves, and everybody starts ripping up their presents like crazy, and before you know it, the time has passed. The room is now covered in paper and strings. The dogs love it.

This is when the parents begin to drink some more, and where the children run around playing with their brand new toys. I often find myself in the corner with a book and a glass of champagne, though I am not really allowed to.

It's lovely.

And this is a very boring post, but I have been a rather boring person lately, so there you go.

Have a Merry Christmas, and a happy new year.

(Are you guys as excited for the Doctor Who finale as I am?)

Snow

2009-12-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

Dear readers, Sweden now has snow.

It probably won't last long, and as far as I know, being as sick as I have been the last week, it's no snow-ball snow. And we all know that it isn't real snow unless you can make a good snowball. But this snow means that at least the global warming isn't as bad as we thought.

Just kidding. It's really bad.

But at least it means that Sweden might have a white Christmas again! This hasn't really happened in a few years. I remember one year when it rained all Christmas and we even had to cancel Santa because taking one step outside of the house meant looking like a whale. Yes.

I was a bit put off when Nevada, the desert, had snow and we up here, basically on the freaking polar circle, didn't even have a single snow-flake. If my face spoke in chat-speak, it would have yelled WTF. But thankfully it doesn't.

So snow. Yay.

I am currently reading The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, and I cannot believe I have not done so before. This is seriously, one of the best books I have read and I am close to declaring Douglas Adams as a genius.

Now I am off to bed, dear readers. Or, well, I al already in bed, but I am to lie down some MORE and read my book. So technically I am simply exchanging the computer for a book and not really moving towards sleep.

Okay, dear readers, I am now going to read a book and..not sleep. Yes. That sounds good. Bye.

Sarah

My life on the internet

2009-12-10T15:57:00.000-08:00

Hello again dear readers, if there are any.

I have been asking all my friends online today for their addresses so I can send them christmas-cards. Now, this would be a whole lot cheaper and easier if I send them 'e-cards' or just pictures in general. But that's so easy, and it's basically what we do already. What I want to do, is to send them actual physical evidence of my existence.

Or something like that.

To be honest, I have only met - what could be it? - four people I have gotten to know through the internet, and one of them was not connected to the Nerdfighter community. Normally I would be the one who says, "No! Don't go and meet that strange person you have met on the internet!"

Which is what sane people might scream at the top of their lungs I suppose. But when it comes to my Nerdfighter friends, my Harry Potter friends and all those other people I don't think of them as creepy perverts. I have never given some thought of that they might be. To a great extent this is because I know them through pictures and videos, so it's easier to believe them.

But, when it comes down to it, all these social networks we have today, we really need to beware. With that said, I am going to point out how awesome they are. Just because you can do that when writing a blog-post.

My life on the internet began on Meg Cabot Message Boards. There I found the vlogbrothers and youtube.

Before that, Youtube had been a place where I could watch cute cats or people falling from silly things like a rolling trash-can. It was a place for music videos and movie-scenes. Never, in my whole life, had I thought I would find a community like the one there is.

Now, I live with it. I make videos at least once a week, and I watch all too many

After youtube it was twitter. Twitter lead me to Dailybooth and now, after two years, I found formspring.

It's amazing how much facts about my life you can find if you just look for it. If I ever were to become famous, I'd never have to write a "In the life of.." You'd have it all here!

You could argue that I have too much information out in cyberspace, but I truly don't care. It's nothing that can come back and haunt me or hurt people, so I must be satisfied.

I don't really know where I am heading with this post. I suppose I wanted to give my appreciation to the internet. The shameless linking a few lines up was all for your benefit.

Now... I am going to continue coughing even though it's 1.30 AM. I've been sick for a week, and the tough cold is refusing to give in.

Also, like I mentioned, I have been writing christmas cards all day, and if you want one (you do) send me your address in a mail, or on Dailybooth or where ever you would like to send it from/to.

I better be off now. cough cough.

sarah.saville - at - ybc-nacka.se

TV-shows

2009-11-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

Paradise Hotel must be the worst idea for a TV program in the history of TV. This beats every stupid program in the history of the world.

What's it about? you may ask. Please ask. If you know it might mean that you watch it and I don't know if I can let you read my blog anymore.

For those, sane people out there, Paradise Hotel is a program where you send a bunch of horny people to an island with cameras on it. There, they are encouraged to make couples, have sex and create as much drama as possible.

Lovely.

Who thinks this is good TV? I mean, if you want porn I bet you there are movies that are better than this show. If you want drama, I would even let you watch Gossip Girl. Because, honestly, this is stupid.

Stupid. There is no other word for it.

And what is up with reviving all these old TV shows? They have had their glory days, how about you put down the remote and go outside. I am sure you won't miss a thing.

That 'V' came back I can understand, and look forward too. I mean, Aliens that look like lizards in hot human bodies. On top of all that, they are wearing very tight suits.

Totally awesome.

But Beverly hills? Come on! It worked back in the nineties with THAT cast. 100 year old Luke Perry and a very angry actor called Shannon Doherty. But it stopped for a reason. Now, you bringing it back?

By now we have enough shows with rich teenage kids who sleep around. We have bloody reality shows that are about that topic.

And Melrose Place? Honestly? REALLY? Who came up with that idea, and WHY, oh why, didn't you fire him? We had Melrose place. We had it for a really, really, really long time. We don't need it anymore. Those who do can just buy the DVD's.

NO MORE.

Sarah

NaNoWriMo

2009-10-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

Hello there, dear readers.

As I am sitting here with the Wicked soundtrack blasting in my oversized head-phones, I started thinking about NaNoWriMo again. It might have been because I just watched Hayley's video about it, but it might also be because I have already opened a Scrivener project and I keep staring at the icon in the dock.

Terror.

Even though I am looking forward to this with my heart (corny, yes) I am also terrified. I know I need to focus a lot of school, and how am I to do that while also writing a novel? My friend is saying that she will write mostly on the weekends but I don't know how I could be able to write around.. what? 11.600 words every weekend? THAT, I cannot do.

I'm pretty sure this girl can, though. She was the only one who actually got anywhere last year. My novel didn't even leave chapter one.

In Kristina's NaNo post, she said that the year she was most pleased with her story, she didn't plan anything in beforehand. Since I have gotten NOWHERE when I didn't plan I still can't phantom how she did this. When writing short-stories I don't need planning, I just tap away on the keyboard, but whenever I try to achieve something bigger than just two pages or so, I fall flat without a goal.

That is why I think I will succeed this year. I have a goal, I have a general direction that I am heading for, even though I don't know how to get there. And isn't that the exciting part? Not knowing how you get there? Not knowing how to travel.

Now I am going to dive into my notebook and plan away! To make my notebook a bit more inviting I design something of a cover. I hope to be able to print it when school starts again, on November 2nd

Have a nice weekend!

Sarah

Also, I believe Sara has begun to read my blog so... Hi, Sara. I hope Germany treated you well!

It's a break!

2009-10-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

Hello again dear readers.

It's now Sunday, and I am without my blues. The reason that facing a week isn't making me hide underneath the covers is simple. I do not have school tomorrow.

Now, I have told you many times before that I do enjoy school, and it is true. Sometimes you just need to sleep, you know? Get out of bed in the morning not worrying about the books, the computer, the charger, the calculator and whatever else you need to bring. Sometimes you need to get out of bed in the morning because you chose to.

It feels GOOD.

It will only last a week, but maybe that is all an Ib student needs to charge her batteries. NaNoWriMo is starting in a week you know.

I am awaiting the week with both excitement and fear. The last two NaNo's have been complete and utter failures, so I really do have hopes for this one. There are only two problems.

I have two tests this month. One in history that I do not need to study that for, but it's the other one that has me quaking in my converse.

MATHS.

This is probably going to cause a failed NaNo.

Now it's time for me return to my nano-notebook. I still have lots of planning do to, and I can't wait to start writing!

Sarah

November hell,

2009-10-19T13:55:00.000-07:00

Hello internet-readers,

So. It's that time of the year again. The middle of october. Here in Sweden it means rain, the occasional snow, more rain, cold and a teeny tiny bit more rain. I don't mind the rain, it's always been my favorite kind of weather.

But, october doesn't just been that winter is on its way, no, it also means that it's time to start planning for NaNoWriMo.

If you don't know what NaNoWriMo is, then click the link and you'll find everything you need to know. In short, it's the National Novel Writing Month and it's all about a big personal goal you set for yourself.

Write a novel in 30 days. More specifically, write 50.000 words in 30 days. For those who have done NaNo before, we all know that means 1666,66667 words each day.

This is my third year, and as a friend said, Third time's a charm.

Bah. Hambug.

I'll let you know how it goes through this blog but also my youtube channel.

Love dearies!

Oh, the memes.

2009-10-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hello dear internet-readers.

I know I promised the dear girls on SYIP to blog, and now I am. So here we go.

How many siblings do you have? --> One. A younger brother. We fight all too often.

What would you do with a poe-bust? --> Put STUFF on its HEAD.

Who's on your guilt-free-three? --> Alan Rickman, David Tennant, and... and... Colin Firth.

Favorite soda? --> Coca cola!

What is the color of you couch? --> Brown.

Favorite TV-show(s)? --> Heroes (though I am seriously pissed with things right now), How I met Your Mother, Glee, Doctor Who, the X-files (and lots more I am afraid)

Do you watch Heroes, and if you do, what bugs you the most about it? --> I NEVER KNOW WHO IS EVIL! Seriously, It's getting OUT OF HAND.

What house are you in? --> Gryffindor, where the brave dwell at heart.

Coffee or tea? --> Neither

Do you have a rubber duck? --> Sadly no. But I did get a hundred rubber ducks when I turned one. Seriously. A hundred. I was in heaven.

So, those were the questions Kristin had for us, NOW, it's time for me to ask YOU questions. I will repeat this in my video, in case none of you reads this.

Now. GO FOR IT. (Anyone who reads this is welcome to answer the following meme. Link to it in the comments if you do ^^,)

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 12 (or a million) people you like. You can’t use the band I used. Do not repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think!

Pick your Artist: Dixie Chicks

Are you a male or female: Loving Arms.
Describe yourself: So Hard
How do you feel: Ready to run
Describe where you currently live: A Home
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Top of the World
Your favourite form of transportation: The Long Away Around
Your best friend: Voice Inside my Head
You and your best friends are: Long Time Gone
What’s the weather like: Cold day in July
Favourite time of day: Without you.
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Lubbock or leave it.
What is life to you: Heartbreak Town
Your relationship: Not ready to make nice
Your fear: Tortured, Tangled Hearts
What is the best advice you have to give: Let 'er Rip
Thought for the Day: Don't waste your heart
How I would like to die: Travelin' Soldier
My soul’s present condition: Hole in the head

My motto: Some day you gotta dance.

That's all from me.

BYE

This is for Bekah ^^,

2009-09-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

Hello dear internet readers.

Can we just agree on that I have failed with my promise to post anything here more often? 'Cause I am just going to stop mentioning it now.

The end of complaining.

So, I haven't had a couple of eventful weeks. I haven't had any more fun that usual, nor has it been worse than usual.

The weeks have simply passed with with the kind of daze that follows a program like IB. The fact that I even have time to write this blog is a testimony of how calm this week is. I have a biology test in a week, but I am giving myself a few days of norma studying before concentrating on lysosomes and vacuoles.

Now, as this might show, I don't have much to talk about today. The only reasons I have even thought about writing anything is because Bekah has been ~~nagging~~ asking me to write one, and of course I have to do what she says.

HOWEVER, I have to read The Kite Runner for Swedish, so this is all you're going to get today. I hope you're satisfied.

Sarah

Not much

2009-09-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

Hello dear-internet readers.

I've had a great couple of day. Now that we're entering the first year of real-IB (we've only been in pre-dp before) we are starting to realise just what a huge job IB really is. We have classes that require complete attention, and ever day is filled with homework and revision.
We also have 150 CAS hours to complete, and that is scaring me so much, I can barely describe it.

However, more work and less sleep doesn't make us fall down. No, instead we act.. how to put it? CRAZY. We laugh for no reason, and when the contents of our lockers fall down on us we simply lie in a pile until we can stop laughing. It's not easy.

If this is what happens after a month of school, then I wonder what two years of IB will do to us.
I spent almost a hour on IB Quotes yesterday, and it was wonderful to find my life in those quotes ^^, I also wonder how I will make it.

I will tell you all about my birthday when I find time, and when I am on my own computer. This PC is simply too odd. I'm too much of an Apple girl to like this one. The keyboard is off somehow =/

I will, however tell you, that that my friends have been amazing, and that today, with my dad, hasn't been all that good. =)

(My friend just got a blog. Go and make her write some more!)

Love and kisses (for I'm very frivolous with them)

9/11 for me.

2009-09-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

Hello dear internet readers.

For once I actually have serious matters to blog about.

As you all probably know, today is the day known as 9/11. It was the day that several airplanes were highjacked and then crashed into the World Trade Center for example.

I am not an American, and I was just nine when this happened. I do remember the day when it happened. I'm afraid this day hasn't affected me as it has others, but I do feel the need to dedicate something to this day.

My mom and I were in this Swedish store called Åhlens, and I remember wanting to go down to the toys department. I was very happy for mom had promised me a toy, even though there was only one week left to my birthday.

We were looking at jewelry on the first floor when mom's phone rang. Suddenly she grabbed me and told me that we had to go home, because something had happened.

I was so angry! She had promised me a toy, and as a nine-year old I couldn't understand how ANYTHING could be more important than a toy for me. As mom and dad sat in front of the TV staring at the devastating images I huddled in my bed.

Next day in school we talked about what had happened, and I suppose it was then that I realized that something terrible had indeed happened. But, still, smoke from two buildings looks like something from a movie for a kid.

That's what happened on my part. It's not very dramatic, and I acted like the spoiled child I was.

Today I think of all those who lost their lives in the terrorist attack. I think of those who live on with a hole in their hearts. My thoughts is really all I can offer.

Love,

Sarah

Oh hello there.

2009-09-07T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hello dear internet readers.

I have once again managed to let time pass between my blogposts. Even though I love writing and everything that comes with it, but for some reason I seem to keep neglecting this blog. I guess it might be because I don't know who reads this, besides two of my friends. If you do read, it might be nice to leave me a comment, just to keep me going. I don't care if you love what I am writing, or if you hate it.

If you're a hater, please let me know in the comments and then we'll have a nice little fight here on my blog.

Now, since my head currently feels as if it's exploding, and that is no exaggerating, for it feels as if it is pumping, I should go to bed. I have been saying the entire week that I am lucky to nt have gotten sick, but now I am.

Karma, I suppose.

I love you, lovers and haters alike, and I will talk to you soon again. I promise. I think.

Sarah

Troubled times

2009-08-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hello internet-readers.

Last blog I told you guys that I would be updating this blog more frequently, but that was a downright lie. I forgot.

Now I am here again though, ready to pour words out on the net.

School starts on Tuesday. Since I have been longing to go back for some time, I thought these last days would be spent planning, getting notebooks, pens, erasers and everyhting else I could need. Instead, I've been trying to get the thought of school out of my mind. I am no longer looking forward tot his year.

It is going to be hard. Especially whenever I think of maths.
I was sick a lot last year, and therefore missed A LOT. While you can catch up a lot easier in the other subjects, I fell behind in math.
I like maths, I really do. It's logic for god's sake! It's fun. However, since I missed so much, it got harder and harder for me to keep up. After some time I gave up with catching up.

Not a good choice. You need everything you learn when you're learning the next thing.

So, I have no idea how I am going to make it through the next year. I have chosen Standard, but even that will take a whole lot of effort. It was my stupid pride that stood in the way of choosing Studies.
Now I'm afraid, and I feel like hding under my convers until the year is over. Of course, that is not an option.

Studying like a madman is.

The other subject are going to be fun having, though. Swedish, English, history (all higher levels), visual arts and biology (standard). Okay, I might not be looking forward to biology that much, but it's the only science subject I can actually stand.

Today we went to a store so I could buy some kind of camera to bring to London. I bought it myself, I might add, or I will as soon as I get the money and can give them to mom. We also took our Nikon to check the lens that broke on Midsummers.
Mind you, I wasn't involved. I wasn't even there! I was over 400 kilometres away from there, so I doubt I could have had anything to do with it.

But, the nice man told us that it wouldn't be much difference between fixing it and buying a new one. Taking his advice, we bought a new one and it's actually better than the last one we had, so ... Yes. Awesome.

Coming home with that, I was happy, filled with photographic joy, I logged on facebook to check my Strawberries. After about half an hour, I realized that the battery was low and THEN.
My charger is broken. Serisouly, if things could just stop breaking I'd be very happy.
There is already a CD stuck in the computer, and school is starting Tuesday.

How the heck am I going to get that fixed before school starts? CRAP.

With those lovely words, I'll leave you. I hope you're day has been or will be better than mine.

Love
Sarah

Late night thoughts

2009-08-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hello dear internet reader,

I was thinking that maybe I should start blogging a little more regularly. Do escuse any spelling mistakes in this post. I am on a strange computer, and I can barely find anything on this keyboard. It's also two AM and I'm tired.

So. Yes. A blog-post. What would you like to hear about? I don't belive anything interesting has happened since my last post, but what else can I do at two AM, but to entertain you guys?

First off, the bad news.
As I might have written on this blog (and everywhere else) my friends and I were planning a Yoad-trip next summer. It was supposed to take us from Canada, all the way down to Disneyland (or world, or place, of whatevs. I'm tired) and then back again. To say that I was excited about this would be an encredible understatement, since there is probably no word to describe how much I was looking forward to this.
Now, however, my joy is gone.

I am not a rich girl. It's not as if I am poor. I have food, clothers, a very nice home and I can go to the movies, eat out, when I would like too, but I am not rich. Vacations are saved for, and cannot be spurr of the moment things. (the london trip I am taking, might seem like a spurr of the moment thing, but I have planned this for months, and will pay lots of it myself)
But, I do not have a pile of money I can use whenever I want, like dear Harry P does.

So my trip will probably not happen. This is sad. This is so sad, I had a huge fight with my mom about it. Tears and harsh words were involved, and I regret most of what I said. That isn't the only reason to why I can't go, though. Even if we had that kind of money, mom wouldn't let me go all on my own.

I'm sixteen. My world consists of school, books, friends and ... this is where I want to say boys, but sadly no luck there yet.
My mom, they dear person that she is, is refusing to let me go on a raod-trip by myself. I had to badger her for months about a weekend in London, imagine what a month in the states would make her say.
Even though I will only be two or three months away from 18 next summer, she believes that I am too young.

I admit that riding across America is not the safest way to spend a summer. "What happens if you run out of gas in the middle of nowhere? What happens if you get lost in the middle of nowhere? Can you IMAGINE what places you could end up on?" (think Psycho) "Do you KNOW what is OUT THERE?"

Maybe I don't. Maybe I never will.

But, what is life about, but not taking chances? What is life without some risks? What is life without an awesome road-trip, across America?

Who knows?
I do know that Bekah and Shannon will have an awesome time without me (I will probably be at home, crying my eyes out I am afraid)
Mom is telling me that this isn't the only chance I have of doing this, there will be other times, and I am sure there will be. But when? When will I ever have time to spend a summer with my awesome girls?

A weekend with Shannon and Lucy is not going to be enough. I would like to have some more. If I could, I would take eternity, even though we would probably tire of each other after a while. ^^,

So, yeah. I'm upset. And sad. I really wanted this. I suppose I was so excited I never really thought about mom's protests. They weren't as loud as my squels of excitement.
But that is life, I guess. You want things, and then you're disappointed. So crap. Shit. Bloody bananas.

I should be glad that I am goingt to London in barely two weeks, which I am, but this whole road-trip thing has taken most of my excitement. Also, traveling alone is scary. At least they speak English, so I will be able to communiate if I get lost in the airport. (it could, and probably will happen)
A weekend will NOT be enough with Lucy and Shannon, but if it is all that I can have, then I shall grasp on to it with my few fingers and not let go.

I should sleep now. This wasn't supposed to be a long blogpost. It wasnt't really supposed to be anything, but I have been writing for almost an hour now, and I guess it's time to turn in.

Tomorrow I will be heading into the city to attend a little Nerdfighter gathering. It will probably be awesome, even though I hate meeting new people. The shy girl inside of me, seems to be the dominant one. It will be great seeing CH, though, especially since she is leaving for Canada soon, and won't be back until next summer.
I am trying to convince this girl to come with me, first of all because I miss her and would like to see her. The fact that iwill know someone is just a bonus.

Now I feel this lovely bed that I am sitting on calling my name. If I should actually sleep or try to write something on my novel now that I am on a role is hard to decide. What do you say, dear internet-readers? Sleep or write?

Love and bananas,
Sarah

I miss you guys,

2009-08-12T14:04:00.000-07:00

You know, living in Sweden is pretty great. We have a great health-care, a free (and quite functioning) school-system, a fairly calm country and great weather. There is not much to complain about really.

But when I became addicted to the internet, and everything related to Nerdfighteria, then things started to go downhill.

When I started watching John and Hank's videos, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Not only have I been introduced to a million different things, I have also gotten to know some of the best friends I have ever had.

I've always been a shy girl and I don't like to blame my handicap, but I suppose that might have been the reason to why I have always hated to "connect" with people. I never really know what they judge me on.

Now, having gotten to known these girls both my text and by face, I can honestly say I have never had better friends. This might seem very unfair to my 'real' friends, but I can't deny it. I love these girls so incredibly much it's crazy.

Living THOUSANDS of miles away from them is horrible.

When they're sad I just want to rush there and hug them. When I am sad I want to do the same. That I am actually seeing Shannon in just two weeks is insane. I will be crying so hard when I have to leave, you won't believe it.

This is a HUGE downside with having an instant connection with the world. We're all so far away from each other.

Shannon lives in Canada, and that she is actually coming as close as London is the only reason I can actually see her. If she wold stay in Canada, this would be impossible.

Bekah is still in Nevada and can't come to London, something we are VERY VERY SAD ABOUT. I want to hug her so much, and next summer I might even be able to do that.

Now that school starts again, my communication with my girls, not just Shannon and Bekah, will almost end. I know I have to focus on school, so spending hours every night on Skype will not be possible anymore. I will miss them all terribly, for since I can't see them, Skype is pretty much all we have.

I am trying to keep myself for the Yoad-trip (a road-trip with youtubers) we might be going on next summer. If it does happen, I just might faint of happiness ^^,

Now I better go sleep. It's already past 11 PM and I only slept three hours last night. i do hope you have the opportunity to see the meteor shower. Sweden is covered in a blanket of clouds, so my expectations were crushed.

Love,

Sarah

Free Uglies!

2009-08-06T03:47:00.000-07:00

Here you go, all Scott Swesterfeld fans.

Uglies will be available for free download until September fifth, as a preparation for the release of Leviathan, his new book.

Technically it's only available for US. residents, but Scott was so kind to inform us about the fact that a US. postal address has five numbers, so any one can get it.

I will have to admit that this will be my first Scott novel, and from what I have heard, I will love his works. I do hope it's true, and since I have problems with leaving a series unfinished, you can count on me getting these books when I am done with Uglies.

I just hope that my expectations are not too high, for I have really heard a lot.

Let's find out.

The book can be found here: http://scottwesterfeld.com/blog/?p=1294

I hope you enjoy it. I am pretty sure I will.

Sarah

I have a dream

2009-06-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

Most people dream about a trip around the world, a million dollars or magic powers. My dream is a lot more simple than that. I don't need money, travels or any kind of magic. Not that I wouldn't accept it if someone handed them to me, but if I could have my dream, then nothing else would matter.

My dream is to be able to lace my fingers.

Just like this.

It might seems as a stupid dream to you. I mean, lacing one's fingers together might seem as a everyday thing to you. There is no years of dreaming about being able to do what you take for granted.

Some days are just harder than others. I've thought about it a lot today for some reason, and whenever I do, I feel terrible. I know there isn't much I can do. There will probably never be anything I can do, but one always dreams.

I feel sorry for myself sometimes, thats all. There are millions of people out there who would love to change their problems for mine. I know I'm lucky when it all comes down to it, but it doesn't feel like it when it drags me under.

As I kid I tried everything. I climbed things other kids couldn't, I was one of the first who learnt how to tie her shoe-laces, and I wasn't afraid of anything.

I can look back at it with a laugh and ask myself what happened to that little fearless girl.

Well, life goes one, and I shouldn't be thinking about this before I go to bed. Just like when I was a kid, it sort of gives me nightmares.

Love,

Sarah

Asking for a change.

2009-05-27T14:50:00.001-07:00

Humans are a sad race. No, it's true. I mean, what do we really bring to this world? Some thoughts? Maybe.

but wars, global warming and famine? Yes. That we do bring.

Humans are a sad race. And what is our last craze? Oh yes, being illegal while we don't know we are breaking the law.

This is indeed a post about downloading. This is also indeed a post about how stupid the arguments for illegal downloading are. Of course, it will be a post about how I hate you.

I would like to begin with the argument I heard while discussing this is class. It is one of the weakest I have ever heard, and believe me, I have heard many.

"Why should I pay a lot of money, for something I can download for free?"

What? How? Why? I don't see your argument at all.

Why should you pay for something you might as well steal? Oh I don't know, because following the law is the right thing? Because STEALING is ILLEGAL?

Would you walk into a record store and take 5 CD's? Because when you download five albums that is exactly what you are doing. The argument "but I am not taking something that is physical, something you can touch" won't work with me, because I think you're an idiot. When you download, even "just one song" you are stealing profit from those who deserve it.

The fact that you don't want to pay the singers or actors high salary won't affect me. That is not the only person who gets payed. No, quite the opposite. Hundreds, if not thousand of people are involved in making this thing you feel you have the right to steal.

When it all comes down to it, what right do you have to get this material for free? Why shouldn't you pay for what you get? Can anyone give me a real answer here? Anything sensible? For I have never heard an answer that many any kind of sense.

You don't have that right. No one does.

What is it with you people, don't you understand that you are killing an entire industry? If you don't stop now, there will be no new movies to download in the future. There will be no new music or books.

The movie industry for example, is completely built on sponsoring. If you pay 10 million for a movie, then you expect it to make 16 million, so that you get you ten million back and then have enough profit to pay everybody who worked with making the movie.

But what happens when the profit is only 6 millions? Who gets the money? The investor, who will lose at least 4 million, or all of those depending on their salary?

An industry is dying, and this is because of you.

Now, I'm too tired of this discussion. I don't understand how you can keep doing this. Why don't you understand that is it illegal? Why doesn't it feel as if it is illegal?

Why won't you just stop!

Give the students computers!

2009-05-20T03:05:00.000-07:00

This seminar is about computers 1:1, and so far I have become more convinced that this is the way to work in school.

I thought this wouldn't really matter to me, because I already am a student with a computer, but I have learned more about what you can do with computers.

One man spoke about tablet computers, and how great it was for the teachers to have them during lectures and presentations. You can draw straight on the presentations, like you would on a whiteboard.

It seems a lot easier than using a smartboard during a presentation.

It was also a very clever thing to have when you correct a paper, for you do no longer need to print it to make comments, but can instead take noted directly on the document.

During the seminar.

Some thought along the road.

2009-05-20T01:58:00.001-07:00

Due to lack of internet yesterday, I didn't write down my thoughts of the seminars. I will however do so after todays learning. What I did do, together with Maria, was a little vlog about the first seminar. That can be found here.

As I walk around here I find myself in awe of how far our school seems to have gotten. This entire conference seems to be more about IT as a goal, a goal they haven't reached yet. They want the computer, as my teacher said, they see it as a goal, not as a way to reach the goal. On YBC we use the computer in everything we do. It is seen as a must, for without the computer we cannot work.

I see this as a con of technology. That people see the computer as a must, and not a privilege, which is the way it was a few years ago. If you don't have access to internet in these days, you feel isolated and left out of the world. Phones are no longer meant for calling, but for instant internet connections.

How did we go from letters to internet on your cellphone?

The world is constantly changing, and unfortunately we have to change with it, even if the road isn't leading towards where we thought we were heading. All in all, we move towards something new every day, every minute, every second.

Now it's time for a new seminar, this time about Computers 1:1 in the classroom. Our principal himself will speak, and we, sitting here with out computers, will probably we asked plenty pf questions.

Sarah

Inspiration for life.

2009-05-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

Usually Mondays makes my eyes tear, my body shake and my head hurt. Today was different. Starting the first lesson with 20 minutes of Juno was wonderful. The story behind this is actually quite odd, for the class is Italian.

Last week we were supposed to watch an italian movie during the Thursday lesson, but since someone had stolen the DVD, and the movie store failed to mention this, we only had the features DVD. So, after fifteen minutes of laughing, complaining and some looks of apology from our teacher, we started watching Juno.

After these twenty minutes of well-written bliss, half the girls in the school went into the 'BC aula' to listen to a lecture. Before entering the room, all we knew was that it was supposed to be information about drugs. From all other lessons and lectures about this we have had during the years, I expected a few wasted hours. Lucky for me it wasn't.

We had two speakers, one man and one woman. The man began with telling his story, and from the first second you were caught in what he was telling us. You could tell that he had accepted his past and what he had done, and had moved on. He had such self-perception it was unbelievable. He could actually smile and tell his story with a laugh, something I think many have problems with. A past like his can not be easy to accept.

I have never experienced anything related to abuse of drugs or alcohol, but I can still say that I know it is hard to drag oneself out of that, no matter how determined one is.

This is where on would usually say that one knows all there is to know about alcohol and drugs, the effects the consequences and whatnot. The usual explanation? "I've read about it" or "I saw this documentary once"

Unless we have actually been there, down at the bottom crawling through the shit of life, we cannot say we understand what it is all about. Sure we can say it is hard, but we cannot know just HOW hard. How impossible. How much it hurts. We cannot know anything actually.

The girl, she was much younger than her friend, and I felt as if she still could bear what had happened to and with her. Maybe it's because a woman is so much more easily abused and used than a man. Also because she was still so young, and only got control of her life a few years ago. The man had had around 16 years to understand and think about what he had done, the girl had not had at all as many.

I was truly amazed that they could stand there in front of a bunch of neglecting teenagers and share that amazing and tragic story. I don't believe I could ever have that courage. Maybe not that many people have.

The kind of courage they showed today isn't something you are born with. Courage doesn't even mean that you dare to do everything. It's simply doing what you afraid of even though you are afraid.

So, with those few words to think about maybe, I will go to bed.

Tomorrow I can be found on the "Framtidens Lärande" (translation:The future's learning) conference in Nacka Strand. I'll be blogging and tweeting during the day, as our teachers has told us to.

I am looking forward to be a part of this, all in all I think we're twenty students from YBC going. It will be interesting to learn more about what is happening in the school-world, and to hear people's thoughts and beliefs.

Quote of the day:

“No one ever gets far unless he accomplishes the impossible at least once a day.”

Elbert Hubbard

Greetings

2009-02-07T14:59:00.000-08:00

Once again I have decided to start a new blog. The reason I so often change between different sites is because I'd love to find the right one for me.

I guess that concludes the first blog post.

Back to He-Man.